February 8

                   A mother's love is all you need...

   In Georgia, USA, sisters Kylie, aged 7 and 5 year old Karley Barnes, have for some time, been competing with one another for the title of Supreme Queen, the crowning honour of children's Beauty Pageants. To date, Kylie has won 8 such state wide titles, while her younger sister has won....wait for it....30! Yes that's right....the amazing Karley has won 30 Supreme Queens in her glittering career to date! 

      Even as I read about the girls, a question began forming in my mind....what sort of mother did they have?        

Make up your own mind....

      Role model mother Keetra Barnes said 'Even though she's younger, Karley is my Supreme Queen as Kylie has never beaten her'. Apparently such sentiments and the pressures of competing in such prestigious pageants as 'The Hog Roast Challenge', and 'Missy Georgia', have perhaps unsurprisingly, brought tears and tantrums to a family where the girls' brothers are called Keegan and Kolby.

         If I get any more news of the results of the pageants to come in 2012, don't worry, I'll let you know. 

 

                                                                Oscar Wilde.

                                                                                                Fran Lebowitz

                                                                  

 

January 24

                   Years ago last week...

           The castle was in Gower. I grew up just a kick of a rugby ball away from the ruins in Pennard, not knowing that it might have taken its name from 'Pen-arth', which someone said means headland enclosure in Welsh.The good news is this lack of knowledge didn't stunt my growth in any obvious way, but the bad news is that I took the castle for granted. It was always there, sited high above a valley,on a sandy sided rocky outcrop that pokes through grass and shrubs which tumble down to the sweet green carpet below.

            The view from the castle is softly sensational. There's no harsh light or dark brooding cliffs...no sharp edged crevasses and nowhere like it in the world.

              On a wide eyed calm and quiet morning, I sat next to the ruins and thought about the great 14th Century storm which smashed in from the west and covered much of the castle, together with small settlement which nestled against it, with pale, fine sand. Within days, the blind forces of nature meant the abandonment of the little community. Lives were changed forever.

          Was the red faced man struggling up the steep path toward me aware of the sadness of the stones? I wondered if he was a Gower boy, but didn't have to wait too long to find out, as he said he was a Brummie and that Birmingham was a great place to live. He told me while searching through his rucksack for a bottle of water.

         For a moment, I said nothing but stared down at the Pill, the little river below, where brown trout flitted towards the estuary and flirted with the salt water moving in twice a day from Three Cliffs Bay. He was alerted by my silence.

  'Maybe a cafe as well...nothing tatty...what do you think?'

 We were two different people speaking two different languages.

My reply has no place in these columns.

 

 

'If a lion could talk, we would not understand it..

                                                                  Wittgenstein (1889 - 1951).

 

 

January 15

                    (Nearly) Everyone's a winner!

                        For many people, the post Christmas gloom brought on by the dark, cold days of this time of the year, has evaporated like a saucerful of water in the Sahara. Why? Because in the months to come, nearly everyone in Britain will win an Award For Something and it could be them!

 The other morning I was listening to a news item on a semi-serious radio station and was told, in duly reverential tones, that Mad Markus Palooka, the well-known rap artist from Solihull, had been nominated for seven, yes that's right seven, somethings (best album, best single, best man etc) for the West Midlands Power and Light Company's annual Glow Worm Music Awards. Apparently Mad Markus has set a new record in the two year history of these prestigious Awards - an achievement which deserves our congratulations.

          Of course Glow Worm is not the only annual music award, because many lives have been enriched by winning things in a variety of categories at glittering ceremonies for the Brits, Grammys, NMEs, MOBOs,Academy of Country Music, Best Soundtrack for Television Adverts, Video  Music etc etc etc.

     However those with no musical ability shouldn't despair, because they might be working in an industry which has its own Awards - such as Double Glazing (for those who think I'm making this up, the 2011 winners were announced at a ceremony on November 27th at the London Hilton on Park lane),Green Business, British (car) Parking, Egg prodution, Food and Farming, Regional Supermarket of the year - the list goes on and on.        

           But red carpet Film and Television awards get the most publicity and are the Biggest of the Big. Winners cry as they're given strange little plaques or certificates and launch into a 'thank you' speech which starts with their family and ends with 'people around the world who believed in me'....without their support I could never have won this award for the Best Supporting Actor in a Non-Speaking Role...I accept this Award with due humility'.

Say no more...

 

                                          Shirley Knight (American actress)

 

                                           Groucho Marx

 

January 2

                    Keep at it Ron....

        I'm delighted to be able to tell you that spritely 74 year old Ron Drawer, now believes that he'll finish the opening Chapter of his book, 'An unhealthy interest in shiny boots...', before the end of 2014. All my regular readers will know that Ron's Resolution to complete his first novel by 2029 is still on course, even though he only writes one line a day. In an email he sent yesterday, Ron asked if I would tell the world that his latest line is 'He knew that drops of rain would coat his boots and run down to the wet grass on which he walked.'

        In brief...

 Hugh Pugh achieved his 2011 Resolution to build a scale model of the Taj Mahal using fewer that 10,000 matchsticks.

 Bernie Numb was delighted to make a dream come true by being chosen as Steeple Bumpstead's Man of the Year.

 

                           Footfalls echo in the memory

                           Down the passage we did not take

                           Towards the door we never opened

                            Into the rose - garden.

                                                                 T S Eliot (Burnt Norton)

 

 

 January 2, 2012

                             Resolutions revisited...

        In response to questions sent in by my loyal readers, I am pleased to be able to give a status report on last year's Resolutions - not mine, but some of those made by regular contributors to this column.

Big Ron Hammerhead seems to have abandoned his attempt to become Yorkshire's strongest man and has, for the moment at least, stopped lifting weights and eating  peach ice cream topped anchovies which he believed could be the key to success. Why? Because in November he met Sylvia, an animal behavioural psychologist, who spends much of her spare time trying to improve the lives of bat colonies. Ron was coy about the nature of their relationship, but says he has beome quite knowledgeable about pipistrelles and their courtship routines.

   Dewi Dap failed to get his 'bouncing shoes' to market in time for Christmas, but is still confident that soon he will have solved those technical problems on prototypes which have sometimes led to unfortunate injuries on the steep sided and rocky hills surrounding his valley home. As Dewi says 'by April, my application for a patent based on hidden coiled springs in the shoes' heels should be granted and the top of the range '5 metre bounders' could well be on sale in Pontypridd.'  

Croyden's very own Party Planner, Chantelle, who will soon be 24, is still determined to become an orthopaedic surgeon and has bought another book from the 'How to...' range.

  Bill and Bobbi Bixby concede that although they have failed in their Resolution to bring about 'world peace in 2011 through dance workshops', they believe more than ever that 'Dancing for Democrats and Despots' will be a winner in 2012. Bobbi told me that the death of North Korea's Kim Jong IL a few weeks ago was a blow, becase 'we had him pencilled in for our first Asian event which will be held in Tokyo'.

         In his email's concluding paragraph, Bill said that as Kim had invented ' A piece of meat between two slices of bread', now known the world over as a hamburger, his support for their dance workshops would have been welcome.

         Anyone walking through the forests of the east Midlands in the months to come might be aware of the distant sound of community chanting, as Vernal and Elrond step up their bid to introduce Druiditic practices to the masses. This Resolution, made last year, will carry on in 2012.

  More Resolution updates tomorrow...

 

 

December 30

                Just in time...

Just in time to apologise for not writing my blog or keeping my site up to date, but on this occasion at least, the problems were not all of my making.

I'm also just in time to hope that you had a good Christmas and look forward to a happy New Year.

Tomorrow, I'll be giving a Resolutions updates from information sent to me by some of my regular contributors including Big Ron Hammerhead, Bill and Bobbi Bixby, Chantelle23, valley boy and inventor Dewi Dap, plus those well known dapper Druids about town, Vernal and Elrond.

 

November 27

                      Keep at it Ron!

        Sorry about the delay in writing another message to my loyal readers, but I have spent some time wondering what to do about people who say 'happy holidays' , or will soon be sending greetings cards using the same words.  Have I reached a decision? Suffice to say, that those responsible should run for the hills if I ever assume Supreme Power or be given it by a nation desperate for the good times to come back like warm and cosy childhood memories. Granted, such an eventuality seems unlikely but you never know...

    One thing I can tell you is that I'm determined to be as cheerful as possible from December 1, but as we haven't got there yet, my next post will probably be based on things which irritate or annoy fine upstanding citizens like me...      

       On a more positive note, I can tell you about Ron Drawer's attempt to write his first novel, 'An unhealthy interest in shiny boots'.

For those new to these columns, perhaps I should provide some background information. At the end of 2010, I asked readers to tell me about their New Year Resolutions.

       Ron was one of those who replied. In that first mail he said that although he would soon be 75, he 'still had a zest for life's pleasurable experiences'. Then, to my surprise, he told me that he intended to only write one line a day and that such perseverance would eventually pay off and result in a finished novel. Ron has so far completed 331 lines of the opening Chapter - a Chapter which he hopes to finish by the end of 2015.

          For the record, perhaps I should give you part of his last line, written earlier today ....' Although apples and oranges are enjoyable, they aren't very helpful if its raining....but boots...' 

           I'm sure you'll join me in congratulating Ron for perservering with his slow but steady approach.

 

                                                                Josh Billings.

 

November 8

                       I've tried very hard but...

     Ever since the beginning of the month, I've tried very hard to see the good in November, but dreadful accidents or natural disasters, gloomy Weather Forecasts and dire predictions of the bad economic times to come, make it difficult for a man to be filled with the joys of spring.

           All this has been set against the usual background of adverts telling children to come and visit Santa's grotto in such magical places as garden centres and discount shops. Supermarket shelves have, for some time, been full of Christmas goodies and, on the first of the month, there was a verified sighting of a man wearing a red and white Santa hat, putting petrol into his car at  a Luton garage.

         I've also noticed that the emails I've had from regular contributors have lacked their usual joie de vivre, with the exception of Denise Valve, who always sees the positive side of everything, although it has to be said that I wasn't convinced by her argument that if Silvio Berlusconi is forced out of office, 'he will have more time to identify, then nurture, the talents of deserving young women, all over  the world.'

      But I've decided to keep trying to see the best in November and, who knows, one day it might be my favourite month.

 

  No shade, no shine, no butterflies

  November.

                    Thomas Hood (1799 - 1845) English poet and humourist. 

 

 

 

November 2

                    For last year's words...

       The other day I promised you news about the current state of those New Year Resolutions made by some of my regular correspondents...

        Chantelle23 tells me for now at least, she's given up her ambition to be Croyden's first female Druid, as there didn't seem to be any chance that The Ancients would fast track her to that status . As apparently Chantelle's party planning business is struggling to survive in these difficult times and she doesn't want to go back to audio typing, she's considering becoming an orthopaedic surgeon.

      Valley boy inventor Dewi Dap is still pleased with the progress he's making with his 'bouncing shoe' concept. For those who might be unaware of the details, Dewi's shoe will enable the wearer to bounce ca 5 metres for every step taken along pavements and smooth paths. However problems of the shoe coping with rough terrain have yet to be solved. As Dewi told me 'if you hit a stone at the wrong angle you will go backwards or sideways at some 45 degrees'.

         Juche Jones is still working tirelessly to get Huddersfield twinned with Pyongyang, the capital of the DPRK (North Korea as was), but thinks that success is still some way off.

    Vernal and Elrond seem to have forgotten about their Resolution to to double the numbers of those using the TechnoDruids web site, but have renewed their invitation to me to join a Chanting Workshop in Sherwood Forest, but as before, I've declined their offer.

      Readers might remember that national waltz runners up Bill and Bobbi Bixby, set out to work behind the scenes to bring about world peace through running dance sessions for 'Democrats and Despots'.             

       As Bobbi said 'we were perhaps over ambitious in believing that we could keep our Resolution when we only started in May, but there are still two months of 2011 to go. We are now working on getting Robert Mugabe and Fidel Castro involved in some way'.

  I will give more updates from other correspondents in the next few days.

 

                   For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice.

                                                         TS Eliot

 

October 30

                    the grey  squirrel....

        The little girl was about 7 years old or maybe 8....I'm not very good with ages, but you get the general idea. I looked again and decided I was wrong. She was wearing so much make up she could have been 8 going on 18. The girl was with her mother. How could I tell? They were wearing  exactly the same clothes and hairstyle and somehow I knew that the mother hoped that people they met would think they were sisters. Their supermarket trolley was jam packed with pumpkins, costumes worn by 21st Century witches and their broomsticks. I walked past on my way to the check out and did some thinking.

         Why did I so dislike Hallowe'en? I had many reasons, even if some of them were fuzzy around the edges. To me Hallowe'en is an American import based on rampant consumerism  - as well as the unpleasant connotations that accompany the line 'trick or treat, your money or a sweet'. And if any reader or passing Wiccan is thinking of sending me an email telling me that Hallowe'en is a sacred festival that emerged from some Celtic twilight at the dawn of time, don't bother.

          The other day I read a report, taken from a survey, which claimed that Hallowe'en is now second only to Christmas as a family event, which for this Welsman at least, is a depressing thought.

Maybe I'm one of the few people left who think this way, although I was encouraged to hear a radio sports presenter say that he disliked Hallowe'en because it reminded him of the huge growth in the numbers of grey squirrels in Britain at the expense of our indigenous red, Sciurus Vulgaris.

 This is not a rant against America, but rather a sad footnote to  decades where such family events as Easter and Guy Fawkes night have been pushed aside by growing numbers of people who look like the little girl and her mother.

 

 

October 25

                   I'm back and as grumpy as ever!

As my regular readers will know, circumstances have meant I haven't been able to post any blogs for the last 6 weeks - but that was then and this is now and I'm back and as grumpy as ever. In nthe next few days I'll deal with the  matter of the growth of that dreadful commercial phenomenon Hallowe'en at the expense of Guy Fawkes night and, for some at least, common  standards of decency.

I'll also bring news from a few of my usual possee of contributors including Chantelle23, Bill and Bobbi Bixby, Juche Jones, Dewi Dap plus those well known Druids about town, Vernal and Elrond.           

 

 

September 5

                     Rain...

        I lay in bed this morning enjoying the sound of rain hitting the windows outside and thought about the time when I was ten.

        We were in one of Gower's bays with friends of my parents and their two children.It was a breezy Saturday morning where the clouds scooted past us on winds  strong enough to bring spray from the gunmetal waves that indiscriminately broke on the rocks all around the sandy sliver where we set up base. My father had bought a little second hand  tent which we put up with some difficulty, thanks to a family failing in such matters. Within minutes the sea spray was mixed with the finest of misty rain which blew in from the west. 

       The rain wasn't strong enough to stop us looking for crabs in the nooks and crannies of rock pools nor to halt the search for winkles.A sputtering fire was lit and the winkles were boiled in salt water.I can still remember their wonderful fresh taste.

       Using a child size hook on a length of pole, I caught my first big crab and it went into a seaweed filled bag along with the others prised from their lairs by my father and his friend. The droplets of rain got bigger and my sister and I retreated into the tent and listened to the sound of rain pattering into its walls and the crash of waves on big rocks just yards away. I can hear it now. I can smell it now and the twin senses have taken me back to a childhood I'll never get back. Such is life!

 

Quotation of the week. 

                                                       (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow).

                    

 

 

August 18

  It was one of those mornings when all things seem possible. The sun shone, a playful wind toyed with green leaves on trees that lined a square dotted with cheerful strollers and happy people enjoying an early lunch at pavement cafes.  Ain't life sweet? I should have felt a million dollars. I should have been smiling. I should have walked with a spring in my step...but I didn't....and I didn't know why. 

            When I got back to my books, I looked up a quotation from Antonio in the Merchant of Venice that for some reason, seemed to strike a chord with me...

            In sooth, I know not why I am so sad:

       Good isn't it...or is it me? But don't worry loyal readers, I'm sure that by tomorrow, I'll be happiness in human form...

 

 

August 11

                 Thanks...

    Thanks to all those who sent in their suggestions of words or terms that have crept into our lives over the past decade and provide a daily source of irritation for many. I won't be able to list them all, but a small representative sample might include....enough already; let's go eat ; a skinny latte/fries etc to go; to drill down into a topic; when people ask for something, can I get a... ; least worst option; wait on a train instead of wait for...; run that by me ; wellness and finally one I heard last week on a visit to London. A fat middle-aged Yorkshire man wearing a too tight tee shirt with 'San Francisco' written on it and a reversed baseball cap,was asked by a cook how he wanted his eggs. The man told him he wanted them over easy...aaarrrgh!

 

 

August 10

               Say it isn't so...

         According to a recent report ,which seemed to have some scientific validity,  most of the food and drink I bought yesterday, might not be as good for me as the labels and adverts claimed. My basket was filled with things like margarines and low fat spreads full of chemicals, yoghurts sold on the basis of health benefits and fresh air goodness but which are apparently made by scientists who work in factories lit by strip lights and finally 'healthy' fruit juice made out of sugar, concentrates and yet more chemicals. Reading the  article I thought back to the time I saw 'Low calorie water' in a supermarket shelf....say no more. Are we that gullible?

       Over the years, attitudes to foods have changed, as have scientific theories and the lifestyles of many people who live in countries like this. Now we know things or think we do, even if such certainty is changed by casual conversations or third hand knowledge. When I was growing up we were all encouraged to drink a pint of milk a day, but it's been quite a while since I've heard that. Now we're told that too many dairy products can lead to high cholesterol and whatever.

    Things change. A couple of years ago a number of scientists and doctors  said we needed to drink at least two litres of water a day, but now now  someone else with serious glasses and a white coat tells us we shouldn't drink anything like this volume because...because...I forget why, but you get the idea. 

 But what should we do? Do what we've always done I suppose - just muddle along and hope that the food and drink we buy, while not being necessarily good for us, might not do us any harm.

 

                           Johann von Goethe, writer and polymath (1749 -1832).

 

July 27

          I'm glad it's not just me...

  I've just read that a recent article in a magazine about the  growing use of 'Americanisms' that enter the language in the UK, has prompted thousands of people to email some examples that irritate/ annoy/ or encourage a belief that capital punishment doesn't go nearly far enough.

       I was so relieved to see some of these, as, for some time, I thought it was only a Grumpy Old Man from Gower and a handful of like minded neanderthals who felt this way about the use of such phrases as...prepare yourself...24/7 ; touch base ; a heads up meeting ; Fall instead of Autumn; those who pronounce the letter 'z' as Zee ; You do the math (aarrgh!) ; period instead of full stop; thinking of the Olympics, to medal instead of to win a medal; you will soon be able to deplane ie to disembark from the aircraft; I'm good instead of I'm well; train station (whatever happened to railway ?); burglarise, diarise;price hikes (whatever happened to price rise?); X is going to appeal a decision (when was 'against' dropped?) and finally upcoming instead of forthcoming.

And remember, these are just a tiny fraction of what's out there and heading your way even as I type.

 I suspect my regular readers will have their own examples, if so, please send them in to me.

 

Famous birthdays for July 27 include Alexander Dumas, French novelist; Alan Border, the great Australian cricket captain; Jack Higgins, novelist; Hillaire Belloc the poet and Rhys Wheatley my grandson.

 

Congratulations must go to those well known midlands based Druids, Vernal and Elrond who were the first to send in more examples of 'Americanisms'.

 They've come up with behind the 8 ball; throwing a curve ball and

   overtime instead of extra time.

I never thought the lads would be so sporty!

 

July 20

           Swansea; Bill and Bobbi Bixby; Ron Drawer; Chantelle; Dewi Dap; Juche Jones and a message from my sponsors...

 

    Apologies for not being able to retrieve  my Blogs from wherever they go when someone (me) apparently presses the wrong button.

    However there is another reason for my failure to restart this column: my mother had a fall at her home in Swansea and had to have a spell in hospital. As she now seems to be on the mend, I feel able to give updates on the progress or otherwise of the New Year Resolutions of some of my regular readers.

      Those  familiar with these columns will know that Bill and Bobbi Bixby decided that they would help bring about world peace in 2011 through running interpretive dance workshops to be called 'Democrats and Despots', aimed at the leaders of countries big and small. They realised that such a Resolution might be a bit on the ambitious side, but carried on with plans to start as soon as the National  Championships finished in May (incidentally, Bill and Bobbi failed to win a medal in the Over 50 Jive category). 

  After hearing nothing from them for a couple of months, Bobbi sent me an email telling me she thought they were beginning to make an impact and that some world leaders, including Vladimir Putin, Sarkozy, Obama, Fidel Castro and 'whoever's in charge of China I've forgotten his name', had signed up for classes but couldn't go public with the news at the moment.

 I'm sure we wish them well.

 74 year old Ron Drawer has been making steady progress on his first novel , 'An unhealthy interest in shiny boots.'Although Ron only writes one line per day, he thinks this is the best way to finish the book and achieve his New Year Resolution. For information, Ron tells me that he should finish Chapter One by 2015.

       Chantelle23 still wants to become a Druid, but continues to be frustrated in her attempt to be fast tracked to such status as she'd  'loved nature walks at school'.

       Juche Jones' Resolution to twin Huddersfield with Pyongyang in DPRK (North Korea) doesn't look too promising at the moment, but he writes 'the struggle might be long and hard, but ultimately success will be achieved thanks to the guidance of Our Dear Leader.'

The 'Boy from the Valleys', Dewi Dap, still thinks he can invent a 'multi function shoe' which will lead him to global success. He says he can't give me too many details, but so far thinks he has perfected shoes with a built up sole which can, at the touch of a button, become crampons -'so useful in icy weather' or lower springs which can allow the wearer to bounce over rocky ground. His next move is to build in a flotation system which would lead to the ability to walk on water.

Finally, I would like to thank my sponsors, Lord and Lady Gower, for their support over the last two years.

It's good to be back.

  

 

June 25

          My technical ineptitude or whatever, has meant that I've lost not just today's blog, but all the rest as well....

 With luck, some techie whiz will be able to retrieve them, yet I have my doubts....groan...